i went out on a supposed friendly date that turned into a pretty romantic one instead.

an acquaintance introduced us... and we've been sending friendly messages... last night, we ended up going to the UP Sunken Garden. It was my gift for my "date".

My date is wonderful... a Christian, sensible, realistic, and well grounded...

somehow, i cannot write about this date... the memories are hard to put into words...

let's just say, my resolve to stay out of a relationship until next year is wavering a little... it's just so different, because here is someone who will not be far away... someone who will hold me when i am scared and not think i'm irrational... someone who does not doubt what i say and believes me when i say things... someone who understands that life is beautiful without the pretentious notions other people have.

i think i'm infatuated.

i'm here in a mall right now... soo bored... don't want to go home yet...

a few days ago, a friend made me remember why i wanted a relationship... but with that realization, it also became apparent why i don't want to be in one right now. i carry wounds from my previous relationships... wounds that have healed but have been opened again... these wounds will heal with time, which is what i have and what i'm enjoying right now. i still feel that should i get into a relationship now, I will be left alone.

i don't think is an unexplained fear. i've always feared being left alone. i don't like the feeling of having no one to turn to... and i'm glad my friends have shown me that despite their busy lives, they'll still be there for me

i have so many thoughts in my head, i don't know where to start...

i am experiencing so many new things now... and i'm enjoying each and everyone of them... i'm wishing i have more money to pursue these interests... but there is a right time and place for everything... i know what's meant to happen will happen soon....

===context switch====

i read my friend edil's blog http://icarus926.blogspot.com/ today... i read something about facing your fear and the supernatural...

i wish i felt the way he did about the supernatural... it's just that supernatural things freak me out when i sense them... a strange shadow that's not supposed to be there, a presence that cannot be explained... movement in a room where there are no open windows or wind...

i have grown up accustomed to feeling these things...but i never fail to get freaked out when i'm in an unfamiliar place and i get these senstations.

for now, I do my best to ignore these feelings and things but i can't help but say... "i see dead people..."

i'm blanking out... no post for today... :P

benefitungs.... a new word i invented that my joy said was "affable"... it's laughable without the L.

i tried inventing a word but it backfired... so i'm not a lexicographer... sue me :P

i'm hungry, and tired... and burnt out... I need a vacation... anyone wanna take a vacation with me? :D btw, this is not an invite... it's more a rhetorical question

this may sound religious, but it was a revelation for the day.... God has his ways of showing people different things... for one, He showed me that I can forgive... in my humble opinion, He has shown me that I should not forget because I will never learn if i do forget.

Anyway, the past few days, He has been showing me that He has given me so much to be thankful about... and then some...

I am thankful for:
1. my friends. despite the fact I don't see them often, they're always there for me
2. my new friends, who listen to me when my older friends are not available... and who are there to support me the way my older friends do
3. non friends who made me realize that standing by what's right is not always easy, but you'll come out justified in the end
4. non friends who constantly try to create an issue and end up looking stupid, which makes me laugh so much
5. people thrown my way who constantly affirm me as a better-privileged person
6. the ego-trip tapering off
7. God always being there when times are down
8. english skills better than others... for not saying tim, instead of team, for not saying "i swim lapses", you catch my drift
9. so many things that have been given to me and for so many realizations...
10. showing me that (pwera ego trip) i am a cut above the rest and i should raise my standards.

Dear anonymous commenter,

I don't bite. :D

i got my hair cut today... finally lost the mass of F-4 hair... i feel lighter, my friend told me i look younger, too. funny things is almost no one noticed i had my haircut. welcome mr. invisible man.

despite the self-ego-boosting, i don't feel bad about it. i've realized that I needed that to boost my self-confidence. Right now, i'm feeling saturated with the self-promotion... it's tapering down... the way it was supposed to happen, like i predicted :)

i feel good about myself

heart breaker you got the best of me and i just keep on coming back incessantly... that's a line from a song from an artist i used to like... before she changed her image from soul singer to slut.

anyway, i have a feeling that's what people are singing to me now... i break hearts but not deliberately... i've been dating, but when i do go out on dates, i make sure to be honest and let them know that i don't have any intentions of being serious. kince and i discussed this... and this conversation sort of put things in perspective

kince: well, you do that to people.
kince13: and you know it.
kince13: (stop ego tripping. i'm just telling you the blunt truth as a friend. you don't have to read into it. haha!)
me: i refuse to believe that i do that to people...
kince: okay, let's rephrase that.
me: i guess i project an aura of someone who they imagine to be perfect but realize later on, when there's a relationship already, that i'm not that perfect person
kince: coming from someone who's known you four years
kince: my view of you has slighted minutely, at most.
kince: in the four years that i've known you
kince: i don't see you as perfect, nor have i ever
kince: and i don't think people DO see you as perfect, but as you really are
kince: someone particularly special.

i am not perfect, i know that. i just hope people realize that before they tell me that i am perfect for them, because i will never be perfect for anyone but myself... i don't even find myself complete :)

anyway... more thoughts next time... sleepy already