a song

I guess one of my greatest issues in my life are with my dad.... in a weird, comic way, this song from Austin Powers sums up my issue...

Daddy Daddy wasn't there
Daddy Daddy wasn't there to take me to the fair
It seems he doesn't care
Daddy wasn't there

Daddy Daddy wasn't there to change my underwear
It seems he doesn't care
Daddy wasn't there

When I was first baptized
When I was criticized
When I was ostracized
When I was Jazzercized
Steak and kidney pies
When I was modernized
When I was circumcised
Daddy wasn't there


When I was first baptized
When I was criticized
When I was ostracized
When I was Jazzercized
Steak and kidney pies
When I was modernized
When I was circumcised
Daddy wasn't there to take me to the fair
To change my underwear
Daddy wasn't there

Daddy wasn't there peace

If you got a Daddy issue, here's a Daddy tissue

D to the A to the D-D-Y
D to the A to the D-D-Y
They say it’s just a fact, but I’ve a dead beat dad
D to the A to the D-D-Y
D to the A to the D-D-Y
I’d sit in my room and cry and I ask myself the reason why
Daddy, Daddy
D-A-D-D-Y, peace

journal-hopping

i've been listening to a lot of people's lives and reading a lot of people's journals and i wonder why i never get to see what they see... an accident happenning, a wonderful moment in someone's life, a joyful moment that brings a tear to one's eye.

i should interact with more people...

but, when i read about other people's lives and see how mundane and pointless their lives are (based on their writing, that is), then I'm happy that i have more to life and following tv shows, obsessing over artists, talking about sex all the time, or simply wasting time doing nothing.

in the end, i am thankful for what i have, because i have learned more about what it is to be a human being... and i have learned how it is to live.

i've recently confirmed with a psychic friend of mine that i have great potential in the realm of the supernatural. with that, he's tasked me to learn how to slow down, meditate, and focus on my "powers". easy task for most people... but not for me.

I am one of many who have ADHD, but it was not yet discovered during my childhood. Even if it was, i would still not have been diagnosed because my visits to the doctor were few and far between... also, my parents were not one to believe in psychology.

My parents never really believed in so many things, mainly because they never knew those things existed, or if they heard of it, they were always afraid to try new things. For my mom, I would attribute here non-learning due to the fact that she was limited... but she's always one with the adventurous spirit. My dad's pride, on the other hand, is what i attribute to his non-learning. He would rather not do anything than be told that he made a mistake. He wants to remain perfect. That's in his eyes, i guess. Right now, a lot of people are probably mocking him, laughing at him, because of how they've repeatedly "pulled one over" him.

I digress... i'm not really supposed to write about my dad... but i guess he's part of the reason i've been feeling so down the past few days.

I started my downward spiral into my current state of depression last week. I felt really depressed at how my dad never really did anything and never really realized that his failing business and poor business practices were costing us at least 10k a month for the last 2 years. The 10k that he keeps scrounging for at the end of the month. The 10k that my mom lends him through me. The 10k which became 20k, and eventually 40k that he "owes" me and has conveniently forgotten to pay back.

What added to this depression was that fateful holy thursday... when i was met up with my dad's staff and informed them that some of them may be laid off. That easter where I had to break the bad news to my dad's staff that 4 of them were to be laid off... that same easter sunday that i really let go of 10k of my own money. The 10k that never really did much to help the 4 ex-employees of my dad.

I guess another thing that added to the depression is the fact that i'll be turning a year older in a few days. I guess it's this time of the year where I end up thinking of the things that could have been. The things that I deserve, but haven't gotten... can't get. Opportunities I've let go along the way. Opportunities i've never really followed up because of the people I was involved with during those times.

To top these things off, i've come to realize that majority of my depression is due to the fact that i have not really taken a break since my vacation last december. I've taken on too much responsibilities and I hold the future of my family, my dad's workers, my business, and my own future into my hands... I fear that I may not be strong enough to handle all of these things. Add to that the fact that certain "friends" have proven to be non-friends by disappearing all too suddenly. I have very few friends who I can count on.

I was planning to hie off to Baguio to get away from it all... I was intent on going until I realized that I still have collectibles to make and that I have spent beyond my budget for the month already.

I've promised myself a vacation... but for this weekend, I might just look for a quiet place to be in where I can turn off all my cellphones, commune with nature, try to meditate, and focus on pampering myself. Then, maybe, just maybe, I will be a phoenix rising from the ashes in time for my birthday.

getting older

i'm getting older in a few days... somehow that thought has left me feeling a bit depressed.

when we grow older, we should be more mature. but sometimes, i just wish that i can just totally let go and be a kid again. as the years pile on, i feel more and more responsibilities pile up on my shoulders. soon, i'll be a hunchback with all the world's problems on my shoulders.

i'm not complaining... well, i am... but i'm sure other people have more burdens on their shoulders than I do. I just wish I'd be able to have more fun... the fun life I deserve. I've been working my whole life. Started helping out at the store since I was a kid.

life isn't always fair... the best thing we can do is to make lemonade when life throws us lemons... but how do you make lemonade out of a multi-million-peso lemon?

not so holy week

the past few weeks, i've been helping my mom settle the financial shit my dad got our whole family in... the financial shit has not been totally resolved, but we're getting somewhere... hopefully.

my mom feels so indebted to me because i've been spending money to facilitate these things. I keep telling her that it's somehow my obligation to do so... but still the feels that she's not being that much of a provider. Both my parents have their share of their messiahnic complexes... i guess i got all of it from them.

the week before last, we had lunch with a bank executive to, hopefully, transfer the loan to their bank and get a better rate. we also went to my cousin who helped us the last time with regards to the bank where we have our loan. i've also contacted a geodetic engineer to help fix our property line. i've volunteered to shoulder that cost. i'm still waiting for feedback from the engineer, though.

this past holy week was a whole lot of penitence for our staff in my dad's business. Last Thursday, Mom and I finally came out in the open and admit to the staff that the business was incurring losses and there was a possibility of closing down, should we not terminate the services of some people. Mom and I have done all we can, studied all options to best save the business. I've made all the necessary computations. We have to lay off 4 people. A father of 6 whose health is declining, a father of 7, a single mother, and a family bread winner.

Throughout the week, we've been coming up with all sorts of computations for the business and reforms to be implemented . Because of the bad state of business, we couldn't give the 4 people we were to lay off a substantial amount. They would have to make do with a weekly installment of less 800.00.

When I came to that computation, I felt really bad for these people. I knew that my parents couldn't afford to pay off a big lump sum at this time, so I volunteered to shell out their first month's separation pay, out of my own savings (which was not much). In that way, I would have wanted to ease their pain... apparently it was not enough. They were all stunned at how small the amount was. The women were crying also. I promised to help them in whatever way I can. That if I had extra, I would try to shell out more... but the thing is, I can't do that because I'm also running my own business and I have bills to pay. I'm hoping that I can make more money for the sake of these people.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I have all these privileges because I was given an education. Sometimes I feel the weight of the world on me... but, as most friends have advised, I cannot rescue the whole world... I have to make my difference one day at a time.

I guess having more than 1 source of income is one way to help. Right now, I am a publicist, a writer, a segment producer, and a graphic designer. I'm hoping to add event director and event host to my list of tasks.

I am thankful that I am also being given that much blessings by God, although I have not really gone to church in a while... I'm also thankful that He has given me a chance to leanr more about, and hopefully to hone, the spiritual gifts I have been given. For now, I need to learn how to focus... to meditate... to concentrate and not be distracted easily...