attended my grand alumni homecoming last night... got to see people i haven't seen in ten years... but i left early to be with my date, M.

I had a great time with M... we talked, we travelled, we hugged... we got so comfortable with each other that we almost fell asleep. This, for me, is a good thing. I rarely feel very comfortable with someone... rarer it is to find someone who can make me feel so secure and comfortable to the point where i'm so relaxed.

I am looking forward to more dates... more fun moments... who knows, maybe even a lifetime :)

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i have been realizing that I've adopted some traits from each of my exes... and not all of these traits i like... i wonder, now that i've realized these traits if i'll be more watchful when they appear so i can curb them...

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do you ask for apologies, or do you wait for them? i've had people do me wrong for the longest times... but apologies are few and far in between... i've waited for apologies but they never came.

here, at home, i've never heard anyone apologize to me except my mom... other people how have done me wrong here, have not apologized...

in other cases, i've had people apologize to me, not knowing what they're apologizing for... they just apologize to remedy the situation.

then, there are apologies that should have made it, but never did.. due to pride, insensitivity, or whatever twists of fate and persona...

my questions is... do you wait for an apology to be given or do you demand for one?

sometimes you see people you don't want you see... sometimes you hear from people you don't want to hear from... sometimes you get messages from people you don't really like. it may ruin your day, or you can just say, "hey, i'm an unforgiving, but nearly perfect, asshole, and i don't give a flying fuck about you, because i'm the best life hasd to offer"

seriously... a lot of people are really dense or too proud to even apologize for doing you wrong. even if they already know how they offended you, they don't really make the move to apologize. they just think that things will blow over. well, it won't. an apology is the best way to lay the foundations for a rift in the friendship.

i am one who can take constructive criticism, but when someone lambasts me head on, then, it's a different idea altogether. it's people like that who stop other people from reaching their full potential.

i remember being scared to draw when i was a kid... i never learned to draw properly because i was stopped from drawing by some people. i never became a creative person because of that hindrance. I have overcome that, but i'm not as creative as I know i can be because i'm relearning everything. i'm still taking baby steps.

anyway.... context switch...

a few nights ago, i was at starbucks with kince. we were looking at a calvin and hobbes comicbook. there was a strip where C&H found a dying racoon... they didn't know what to do... so calvin ran to get his mom. hobbes asked if she could help and calvin said something like "of course she can. you don't become a mom if you can't solve everything".

i was thinking about that earlier... and it's very true... countless times, my mom has bailed me out and coaxed me out of extremely difficult situations... she offered a shoulder to cry on and cried with me when i had a physical breakdown... she helped finance some of my projects... she was there pushing me all the way up. God knows i wouldn't be where I am without her.

I remember when we were kids playing around the neigborhood. There was an old man called Mang Pipis who was rumored (childish-rumors) to love touching little boys' privates. We all ran but my little sister (who looked like a little boy at that time) was left... who did we get to save the day? SUPERMOM!

I'm really surprised at how much my mom has done for the whole family... and i'm really sad that I never get to show her how much I appreciate her... and whenever I do, she acts really embarrassed, as if she shouldn't be receiving the appreciation.

I love my mom, and I'd be really successful if I were half as talented as she is. My mom... chef, nutritionist, tailor, teacher, accountant, business manager, etc.etc.... but most especially, my mom, SUPERHERO.

sometimes some people say something you don't like to hear... but you take it all with a grain of salt... but it doesn't come across as nicely if someone attacks your creativity. i guess some people get really close to the point that your feelings are ignored already... but i don't care. what i wrote is what i wrote... and i'm posting another one that i wrote... i don't care what people say.

Inebriated with your love
Giddy in your embrace
I drink in your presence
I gaze intently on your face

Tomorrow comes too soon
I've taken too much, too fast
I relish in the present
Knowing this will not last

Morning comes and I'm hung over
Pain so deep, pain so real
But O long to drink of you again
With each moment we get to steal.

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last night i was on a rollercoaster of emotions... everything was going fine... i finally found out that K is not really K but M...

i have lots of fears and risks i'm taking... so is M... we both know how to go about this... but we both promised to take it real slow...

M has already gotten to me despite the walls i've put up... it'll be so easy to tear those walls down and hurt me... but i think i'll take the risk... we'll see what happens

my best friend, Joy, is quite surprised that i've been writing poetry lately... i am extreme mush now. Kince is proof of that.

i'll post another one later...

i'm on a seesaw of emotions... i'm taking big risks... but that's what life is about... big risks... but i'm insuring myself. i don't want to set myself up for a great hurt this time.

three days we love
three days we kiss
three days of passion
three days of bliss

three days you promised
three days it's true
three days i believed
I believed in you

three days of built dreams
three days that mattered
in a blink of an eye
all hope was shattered

i was given three days
three days to see
what i mean to you
and what you mean to me

all apologies


my apologies for people who have been reading grammatical or typographical errors... i barely read what i type now... sometimes i write with my eyes closed...

there's no such thing as perfect

yes, no such thing. been greatly infatuated. but i found out today that i was just a "mistress". i found out through the truth, so i take no offense. my questions were answered albeit not the answers i would like to have. no one at fault here... it's a long story, a bit difficult to explain...

K wants me... but K and I cannot be together. K's boyfriend introduced us to each other. K's boyfriend, who shall be called B, introduced K as a friend. It's a weird relationship they have... B introduces guys for K to meet, ultimately sacrificing himself. Apparently, i'm the first guy K has fallen for. After a short but painful conversation, I decided to move away because it was the right thing to do. I shall only make contact with K after they talk, and after I talk to B.

It feels weird to find out that you've become the "mistress". It's both painful and insulting. I wonder how other "mistresses" feel.

I have shielded myself from things like this... but I was caught unaware this time... probably because of the mystery that K had to offer. I allowed myself to be hurt with the surprise I received tonight. But I am strong, and I have found ways to recover. I just need a little more time to process the huge amount of truth I received. This truth was the answer to my question, whether or not I liked the answer.

Be that as it may, I'm glad I have friends who understand me. Friends who are there for me despite all these crazy situations I get myself into. It is just to irritating to have tried something you never knew you wanted, but realize you really wanted, only to have it taken away from you immediately after trying it...

I drink the smoothness of your face
the softness in the right places
the chiseled features I love.

I am in ecstacy tasting your sweet lips
giddy with the smell of your cologne
inebriated with your touch and being

I have tasted your sweet ambrosia
savored the food of the gods
only to have it taken from me.

I am drunk with your ambrosia
ambrosia that will never be mine

Of Onions and Mystery

I went out on a date with the same person, who I shall call K. We had dinner at a quiet homey place. We had calamares which were topped with onions. I mentioned that I didn't want to eat the onions because they would give me bad breath. I was teased whether or not I'd still kiss K after eating onions.

Our order of catfish came. I felt like I was a fear-factor champion because the catfish was skewered and it looked pretty weird. K wasn't impressed.... seriously, K must've felt grossed out with the catfish.

While driving around, I wanted a kiss. K kept teasing and saying "I can't kiss you because my mouth tastes like onions... and you can't kiss me because you're mouth tastes like catfish". Later on, I was singing softly... when my song ended, K said, "You just melted my heart". K is very sweet, charming, and playfu, and physically, and intellectually my level. I feel so safe with K. It's very difficult not to feel infatuated.

The only problem is K has every intention of keeping the aura of mysteriousness. I don't know much about K, and I do look forward to that day. For now, I'm taking things one day at a time.

I need another serious talk with K... to make sure that there are no miscommunications.

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took a test on how evil i am...

I am 40% evil.




I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com


i guess i'm not as evil as i thought....