Thanks to Patricea Chow for the following words of wisdom:

sometimes people do realise their 'mistake' but find it difficult to apologize. after all, hasn't it been said more than once that "saying sorry is the hardest thing to do"?

we all fear how the other person reacts:
best scenario: 'I forgive you'. u heave a sigh of relieve
i-deserve-it scenario: 'after all u did, u expect me to forgive u so easily?!'. he/she is still mad. fine.
worse scenario: 'life goes on it was part of the learning experience'. so, r us till mad or hv u forgiven me? there's not resolution!

and it's this fear stops people from apologising.

I never realized how many people are reading this blog... I'm flattered with all the comments, humbled by the words of wisdom, impressed by the quality of readers. To readers, commenters, and people who may have adverse reactions, thank you! I appreciate each and every comment I get.

Oh, and to make things clear, I've forgiven but I don't think I can forget.

Read my good friend Edil's blog... about exes and letting go.... he was very insightful... here's what he wrote:

"Letting go doesn't mean they have to forget each other. For every person that we love, we hold a special place in our hearts for that person. And no one else can take his or her place. That is when our capacity to love grows. When a relationship ends and a new one begins, the love that we shared with the previous person transforms into a different kind of emotion, and it will remain there [whether it becomes close friendship or hatred will depend on how we end our previous relationships]. Then the heart carves out a new niche for the new love. At least that is what I believe in.

I for one admit that I still hold a place in my heart for my ex, despite the things that happened between us, despite my ex's insistence not to apologize, despite my ex's denial about doing nothing wrong. That place, however is no longer filled with love. I have forgiven, but I will always remember."

I think it's quite true... I do wish that my exes apologize for what they did... for that matter, ex friends, too. Apologize for what they did wrong. It would make me feel better if and when they realize what they did and apologize for it... but I'm not really holding my breath.

For now.... blah blah blah.... life goes on.

saw ladder49 with Al today... wonderful movie... sad yet wonderful.

been bugged by so many people on my other phone today... getting sick of all that attention.

sent an SMS to M today saying "hi. peace?" didn't get a reply... kind of disappointed about that... but i'm not holding my breath.

til next post

been a long time since i updated...

went out on a few dates... sad to say i've been going out with teens now... monday and tuesday with an 18 year old... got intimate with a 17 year old on friday... was assigned to be a devirginizer on sunday. last night, i got intimate with a 19 year old. As I write this blog, there's another 19 year old who wants to be with me again...

i'm not feeding my ego, but it seems most of these kids get attached so much even if i make it clear that i'm not into relationships now... that i'm into the dating scene... that whatever fun we have, we have on the pure basis of fun and company. This line of thinking got me in a whole deal of pain with M, but i've set up my walls already. I know I can do this until I can finally find what I want.

I don't know... maybe they find me as someone stable, a gentleman, and someone they can depend on with everything. I do have my quirks, too. No one's perfect... but it seems I am perfect in their eyes. That scares me so much.

When it rains, it pours.

======context switch=======

I'm so happy for Lorna who gave birth recently. Beautiful baby girl.

Al and I visited her after a harrassing, yet visually satisfying, trip to Megamall and the 30day mega sale. When we visited, Lorna shared a lot of things with us, and i was so happy that Al and I were able to bring her smiles, jokes, and invisible bananas.

Speaking of happiness, I'm so happy for my friend JL who found his right one through the magic of "love at first sight". I wish them both happiness.

Can't wait for Edil to come back. Miss his company, too.